• i feel like every where i go more like any direction i take there is this huge wall that stands in my path.. let me explain. i would like to be an art teacher with moe or be a teacher that is. However i highly doubt that they would award scholarships and pay the kid while she is studying when she has a GPA of 2.55.. as compared to a person with 3 or 3.5 or worst 4 or with a degree..
• other direction.. to get a degree with laselle in graphic design and then apply with moe.. now this is totally linked to my love life.. my dad is totally against my lesbian lifestyle..(DUH) and thus he tells me that when we move to the new HDB she cannot come over to stay any more.. the link is here.. if i want to live my lesbian lifestyle i cannot have anything to do with my family..
• if i want to have my family i cannot have my gf.. i want to be with my gf but if i do i cannot achieve my dreams and accomplish wat i want to do.
• like for example.. i cannot drive, i cannot own a house, i cannot further my studies CUZ all these things require money..
• a luxury that i dun have.. THUS the way out is to WORK FOR MONEY!! save it all up and get out of shit hole situation!!
• like that fella said.. the only way to make much much much MONEY is to have a Bloody COMPELLING reason to do so!!!
• haiz.. then i come back to this situation.. the only job that can generate more money in the quickest amt of time is to:
• 1) get involved in gangster stuff 2) get involved in sleasy stuff 3) go into sales sell stuff and sell sell sell 4) pray and pray and be holy holy for money to fall from sky! haha (all these things does not go with my lifestyle. you may ask WHY? cuz 1) i am not part of a gang nor do i know anyone who will offer me such a job 2) my gf is possessive in that area and i dun really have the figure to pull it off 3) i hate sales i feel stressed when i deal with quotas and deadlines and i hate sales! like being in a family of direct sales enviroment dun teach u a lesson in living with sales ppl. 4) i dun think GOD is very happy with my not coupling with a man.. and plus .. i think good things happen to good ppl semi good ppl dun really get the full blessings..
• amen

♥ every page of my imagination

What happens when u still wanna be frens with your ex when u broke off on a worng note and basically u been a bitch for a long time and would like her to be frens back with you?
shit.. i am in such an irritating situation . i hate my job being a corporate slave and no body appreaciates you. You spend endless anounts of time on sitting and staring at the computer screen. its a job where ability to focus is KEY.. josh i am so sick of working here.. only brightside is i made a new friend. able to talk and smoke is SOO relaxing .. esp at work when u really need to rant..
gosh i jus took a look at jody's blog..i feel .. hmm .. -thats so i wat i wanna do.. i wanna do ART!! like sketch and draw.. now a days i even find self musing abt the past (our past) *filled with sense of nostelgia* hmm dun think any one really reads my blog anyways so i will jus rant.. i so wanna go to the bee-nay-laee again.. hai.. miss being with jody.. was totally so much fun and worst of all i feel like i owe her so much..
thing is i duno how to -"let be friends with her again...'' plus i duno if she will wanna be frens with me again.. hai.. life is complex when u make it our to be..

i am so lloking forward to going to Lasalle to study graphic art .. so hope we can afford the fees..
WAAA.. regret .. for being a bitch.. damnit..
JODY if you happen to read this.. can u pls text me or sth .. meet me up for food or sth(my treat)

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to be or not to be... thats the question.
things that i want:
i want a baby in future
i wan a house and a partner to loves me
i wan a degree (preferbally in art)
make my family and self happy
i wan to learn driving

but there are many complecations to that
i am a lesbian and my girl don want kids in future. my parents bacially dun wan to have a daughter who is a lesbian and as the statistics say: more lesbian relationships fail to last as compared to the straight relationships.

i wan a degree. i am working and i may be commiting full time here or at least for much longer. my parents cant support me in my education.

on the bright side:
a) get a loan and pay for degree education
b) try hardest to convince gf to get a baby
c) leave gf and look for a MAN (would solve the parents and baby problem but would have problems looking for a man)

will update...

♥ every page of my imagination

updates:
working at PICO planning events learning as much as i can.
almost a yr wif my gf.
love my dog
having to juggle work with tuition with project work..
loving my life earning money.. only most part of the money goes into paying insurance.
me want to make more frens at office.. and i so so wish they would turn up the aircon like 5 degrees
WANTS:
more time with GF
more time with dog
more MONEY
more time for play
A holiday(BIG TIME)
but currently no holiday cuz.. no leave at work and no MC
Gifts:
Gf's birthday comming .. gotta get her a phone .. but dunno wat is appropreate
gift for me [MORE TIME FOR SLEEP] and also HOLIDAY!!!
Friendship reconnection that happened today:
MY buddy
Fav drink: MaoTai and hot hot chocolate
*thoughts floating in head.. how are my class mates doing? Why do i not feel any thing in my cold cold fingers?

word of the day: photoshop and greenmists

Labels: update 8Apr08

♥ every page of my imagination

i have been a out lesbian for about 7mths. out meaning being out to the family. i guess you will never be really be confronted with the problem with being out until the catholic church brings you down with their laws and rules and the "wholeness" of the bible. I love god and i do believe that he loves me too. but being confronted with the LAWS of living a proper life as stated in the bible made me very confused. i have been a participating christian for almost a year. and a meeting with a family friend really roughed my lesbian identity a bit. its no longer so simple as god loves you and wants u to always tbe happy and loved and cherished. she interogates me about my lesbian lifestyle and then questions me if i believe in God any more. "you mean to say you dont love God any more?!", she questions me. "I WANT TO KNOW WAT DO YOU DO? ORAL SEX?" her face a sight of accusation and anger. "then you tell me wat is it then in a hetrosextual relationship that i cant get in a homosextual one? cuz u i look at the relationship in my family and look at my parents?! I dont see why i cant do better!" I retort. I am loved and cherished and treated well. i am happy and i honestly content, which is better then i was when i was with guys. She has no answer to that." well thats the natural and normal way things are. you just have not met someone (boy) thats the right one." she tells me.

i really dun understand the difference. i could still have children and bring then up and love them and keep them secure and bring them up as good children. I would make extra effort to make it work. the only reason the bible forbits homosextuality is because if he says its alright then there will never be any one to bring forth the bible and the bible will cease to exist, thus for the continual of its own existance there must be more kids and no homosextuality.

the church does not understand that repremunding the gay community and denouncing us and using rules and phrases from the bible in the light of "saving us" is not going to "save us" or stop us from being homosextual, but push us to hate God and run away form him and not wanting to know about him. Because all we hear is YOU ARE WRONG, YOU ARE GOING AGAINST GOD AND THUS ARE GOING TO HELL. there is no love in the catholic church and no acceptance. dun you know the basics of selling an idea to a person. you got to make the person accept you first then sell your idea.

my first confrontation with the catholic church. it made me reconsider my present protestant church in search for a church that accepts me for who i am. like God says, if he loves me as much as he say he does, why cant he love me as i am? cant i love a woman and still have faith in him or do i love a God who is ever ready to judge and condamn me to hell. i have to find people like me who are searching for acceptance and love. people who understand wat i am going through and are willing to form meaningful friendships with.

i know alot of lesbians out there dun have to face the condamnation of the church and the Right and Wrongs of the Bible and they never get confronted with the Power of the Church. the looks they give you in your presence and the remarks you know they make when they think you are not listening. my girlfriend says" why let yourself get involved and get emotional and worked up about it?" i cant just leave it alone and move on. i believe that that there will be a church for me and i will get to know some lesbians out there in the community who are like me. Having a faith and loving the same sex.

Labels: hell has no condamnation like the catholic church

♥ every page of my imagination

updates:
vic has been in my life since 20th may 2007. its been a glorious 3 months plus. i love her so very much and i cant imagine being without her. she pampers me so much i could melt being submerged in her love. i try to make it up to her but there is simply nothing i can do that equates to what she can do thus andrea is now just basking in Vic's love.
we have spent a weekend on santosa beach resort the week before for our third month.
for my birthday last weekend, we spent saturday (11 aug 130pm fly) till monday (13 aug 4pm arrive) in bangkok thailand. after the time spent with her in thailand i am more convinced that i love her and a future together is possible. she got upset with me when i didnt keep focus and keep wanting to spending the limited funds on other things. things like DVDs when we were supposed to buy a vibrator. we were tired and low on funds thus her anger. when she is angry she jus ignore me and refuse to speak. haha love her to bits.

♥ every page of my imagination

ok update on stuff.. we broke up like 3 weeks ago.. she insists that i haven gotten over my first so no matter what we had its already been discounted and that i was never with her. any ways i been hanging out and making major adjustments in my life thanks to janice and noorlinah( bestie and pp subject). jan's helping me by keeping me busy meeting up and taking care of my money. noorlinah is hmmm.. helping me figure out my gayness..( questiosn like are you sure this is what you want? Understand your parents..) which is good you know.. cuz that way i wont react badly in front of them. i figured i dun really need to come out to them, and cause them a heart attack if i dont need to. i had my first ONS the other day (last friday 30th of march) with a butch .. hmmm.. cant say that i liked it or hated it.. jus a victim of circumstances i guess.. haha..

current goals: forget/ get over ex. , stop falling for the next girl who shows interest in you for the sake of having a partner (though ONS sounds like a good idea) , love parents and dont do stuff that get on their toes.


been spending time at home since monday since i am not shadowing norlina.. so been online loads. today there was this girl who is offering to be my sugar mummy for reasons i wont want to mention (not love). i dont really know what to think abt it.. cept that the thought been brewing in my mind.

stalker man butch made contact again yesterday under false name, i stubbed her off.. jeeze some people just dun give up (its been like 1 1/2 years)

mummy is getting out of depression or trying to.. thanks Joyce for your blog on depression.. good to know mum is doing it right so far .. talkign abt her feelings and all ..

hmmm dun really know if any one reads this or not if not i guess its a personal memoir.. hai.. i guess Jo is right.. i need to rid my head off mic and learn to give my heart to some who deserves it.. no use getting all angry and jealous over other my ex..

look ahead, learn and change.. treat each day like a new beginning a renewal of love..
thinking of you is easier when i use the fade out effect.

♥ every page of my imagination

the heart and mind is pure but the body want to do things of the devil..i am 19 going on 20 this year, girl loving straight-talker, a woman, a lover, a daughter..

Before I grew up I saw you on a cloud I could bless myself in your name and patch you on my wings "Life is hard and so is love, child, believe in all these things"


mabel
jae
alex
ning
JO
AZZ
adam
EMILY
nick
danielle
Jodi Boi
Faith
Orange babe
joyce